Some crazy thing.

Sometimes you just get so high and crazy that you just do random things. I just did.

On my brother’s birthday, I did something I didn’t know why I did. After he brought her friend to the bus station which was near to my friend’s house, I just said I need to go there. And I did. It was so random that I didn’t know what I was doing.

I went there with no intention really. But I did have on my way there. I plan to put a smile on my friend’s face.

Hands shaking. Uneasy feeling. Heart beating fast. Standing in front of their door. I knocked as loud as I could. My friend’s brother opened with a curious look on his face. I asked immediately for my friend. I was left inside their garage. I walked around and around. Can’t seem to settle down. He returned asking for my name although I told him to just let my friend out. He said my friend was feeling lazy and didn’t want to get up. Anyway, after a while, my friend got out. With a look that says what are you doing here? I hugged my friend. I said with ni hesitation everything that was on my mind. Sorry and thank you that my friend has heard a thousand times yet I repeat them endlessly. Some of those I had said were things I haven’t really thought of. I only wanted a hug actually. And I also wanted to give her a hug. My friend told me to leave since it was my brother’s birthday. I had not actually said what I think I really want. The thought that it was late at night, unexpected, random, disturbing and the fact that I am doing something funny for my friend might have actually prevented me from saying some things.

After a short time that I think only lasted for 2 minutes, I let go and set off. “What the hell did I just do?” was the only thing that was on my mind. I really had no plan of going there but I did and I did something very weird.

As expected, my friend sent me a message. It said that after I left, my friend’s brother and sister were surprised and were thinking, “She went here just for that?!” I already knew it was very funny but yeah I still did it.

I sent a wish that day to those stars shining bright that someday someone would something crazy like that for me. That someone would do something that would give a fool a surprised looked on his face.

I’m just that stupid and really fly one.

ODDistic

Oddistic. That is the name of our group when we made our music videos last year. I could never forget that. Those times were the days where I would find myself laughing and smiling and not even thinking. I was just plain happy. I was in a bliss. ’nuff said.

 

I’m just that stupid and really fly one.

When everyone leaves….

It has been a very long time since I’ve posted anything here. I don’t anymore how to put these things into words.

Let us start with this one.
When everyone leaves…you’ll find those who are willing to stay and are worthy to be kept.

There was this class project which is about creating our very own film. We were free to choose whatever theme we want and how we would do it. I first found this project to be very exciting. I love making films since last year, editing our music videos was the happiest moment in my life or at least in my high school but I can’t seem to recall anything happier than that one.

We (I think?) agreed that the story will revolve around a girl who has a “perfect” life then chooses to commit suicide. I don’t feel like telling the whole story. It was going fine actually. Directors. Check. Cameramen. Check. Editors. Of course, a big check on that one.  Cast. Check. And so on. We plan to have our first shooting on a Friday since we were to have our sembreak and Friday is the last day everyone can still attend.

That Friday came. All was well. We were just fixing a few things before our shooting such as the names of the characters which we haven’t decided on. Just a few minutes before we were to shoot. There was suddenly a cast changed. The main character was changed. From being the star, she went down to not being cast at all. She was just part of the editing group which I was in. You know that feeling when you are already prepared for it then some things happen. That is just was happened. She was already memorizing her script before she knew of the change. Even the scriptwriters didn’t knew it. And that feeling when something was already made for someone and while making that something, that someone is the one you imagine it with. That was the feeling of the scriptwriters. They wrote the film with the former main character in mind. We tried to push it with the directors to follow the original plan but they didn’t wan to. One director withdrew his spot and came to join us in the editing department. While we- oh wait that should be a “they”- were shooting, the former character was crying just outside the room where the shooting was taking place. I just couldn’t stand there and see her like that. The directors and the other people were just continuing shooting.  I find it wrong to just change things just like that. I know that would hurt her, especially when she was also striped out of her main role last year in their play but it happened again. I find it more wrong to just let her cry and not confront her properly about this. I find my other classmates ignorant and it just ruined my supposed to be happy day. I love creating films but this is just a bad day. We, me with the other editors and scriptwriters, tried to fight for it but it was no use. We just ended up at some corner and not even caring about anything that is happening in the shooting.

Then I learned something from the director who withdrew his spot. He said that the director was mad at me. Just so you know, the director was a former close friend of mine but something fell off.  I couldn’t help but cry. Laugh all you want but what should you feel when you trusted someone and then they were just ignoring one day and then, now they are telling things about you. I cried and we stayed at the stairs. Sadly that stairs was the nearest to our classroom and my classmates always go through there. After some time, oh boy, they did. They never looked, they just continued walking as if I was invisible. No. I think it was as if we were invisible.

But now, let us look on the bright side. I found myself some friends. Worthy ones who are willing to stay with me that day and try to cheer me up. I felt so grateful. I was alone. No wait. I am still alone but they were also alone. We were alone together.  I don’t know to say it properly but I can’t say I was not alone. Just laugh at me again. Everyone left but they stayed with me. They didn’t leave me behind and that is the best thing I could ever have. I am very thankful for them even if we aren’t close friends or best friends, they stayed with me and made me that I was not the only one alone.

We are always alone but there just some wonders of this world that would make feel different and that we wouldn’t care if we were alone.
I’m just that stupid and really fly one.

Seize the day.

Dismissal time. I  Alright. Ready to go.

I dashed across the floors and stairs to the front gate of my school. I hurriedly left my things and look around.
Time check. 4:08 p.m. I still have a lot of time.
Good. Nothing else to do, huh?

I briskly walked back to my classroom. Thinking I might find something to do. I saw my classmates leave one by one and there, they left a room. A room that looks like as if it was a giant trashcan. Dust, papers, styros and plastics everywhere. It’s true that I don’t usually clean my classroom yet I hate seeing something as untidy as that. When no one was around anymore, I tried cleaning it with a single broom stick that we have.  I swung the stick with power and sent those papers and plastics flying all to the corner of the room. I imagines myself playing golf at that time.

After a few minutes of non-stop swinging and stuff, a girl from the other section came to the room. She was cleaning their room with her classmates. She called out to me and said.

“Hey, let’s go.”

Immediately, I replied.

“I not done cleaning yet. Look at this mess.”

She answered.

“Some things are need to be left as is. ”
“But it is dirty. I don’t want to leave it as this.”
“Look, you need to leave this. You shouldn’t let others wait too long. If you do that, they might just leave. You’ll be returning to nothing. You need to let go.”

She was probably pertaining to that time when I left someone alone too long just to chase her and walk with her to the station. That’s another tale to tell. Then, I said.

“But this is still a mess. I should clean it.”
“Why not tomorrow?”
“I can’t. I’m always late.”
“Then, try going here early.”
“Let me just look for the dust pan……and it’s gone.”

With that, I was left with no choice but to leave the room as is. Still a mess.

I walk with her and her friends a bit too awkward. Not only do I not know them that much, they are from the other class. I just walked silently and separated from them when we were at the ground floor.

I hurried to the front gate. Looking for two persons which were nowhere to be found.
Nothing else to do. I thought I should just leave.

Near the front gate was a ice cream cart where a classmate of mine stands. He approached me without hesitation. He asked.
“Are you leaving?”

Without thinking, I replied. “Yes. But I can stay with you if that’s fine with you.”

We sat at the guard house while he eats ice cream. I saw her and her friends leave the school gates. But then, she came back and went to me. She asked.
“Can I borrow money from you? My friends are hungry and I want to treat them ice cream. I’ll pay you.”

Being soft-hearted enough or so I thought, I answered.

“I’ll just treat you this time. It’s fine. No need to worry about paying me.”

Even though I already knew that she knew that I would treat her if she asked me, I still did. She is indeed someone special to me and she knew I would not hesitate treating her. I could not reject things she asked of me. I would always treat her and maybe I do it all the time and it’s wrong, she never did stop from accepting it. Maybe I am spoiling her but I don’t know.

Anyway, I treated her and her friends. I bought one for myself too.

And that is when it happened.

I was walking across the road, to the ice cream cart when a accelerating motorcycle came by. It was moving closer and closer to me. Yet I did nothing but look at it. Dumbfounded. Not thinking at all. It came near. Then, I thought, I getting hit by this motorcycle, should I move? I ain’t even nervous. I ain’t even feeling anything. Time slowed down for a while. Nothing really in my mind. Nothing at all. Reflexively, I jumped, barely avoiding the motorcycle which continued moving in the same direction, not even thinking of avoiding me in the first place. I felt nothing. I stand stunned I think?

Then, I paid for the ice creams and gave it to her as if nothing really almost happened. Well, nothing really did happen but what if I really got hit? Would they even care to help? Would they actually be concern? I thought I always wanted to know what it felt like to be in those incidents. I wanted to know if it bothered them even just one bit. Maybe I shouldn’t have moved but I still thought, “Hey, I should be thankful that I am fine and no one is hurt.” That could have changed something but it didn’t happen.

After that, they left. My classmate and I sat again but now we were both eating ice cream. After a while, I also left.

I walked along the same road again. Still the same. Not feeling anything. I thought I should be happy but it felt nothing. I just aimlessly walked away from that place, not thinking about anything and with nothing to do and nothing to reach for, with no destination in mind, I just continued walking.

I have said I felt nothing. I still don’t know what to do but I know that I still have to do something. I would walk and live every second of my life.

Life is unexpected. Things happen every now and then, sometimes we don’t even see it. We value each second we have. No one knows how much we still have. Seize every single day day you live as if it was your very first and last day living. Every second counts.

I’m just that stupid and really fly one.

 

14 days..huh?

I have not posted anything here since September…. It’s not that I’m busy, it’s just that….I don’t know.

Everyday, I run away from my class. Not exactly running away but almost like that. You will always find me in the next classroom to mine. I haven’t talk to my classmates for a while now. If I ain’t there, I’m just randomly popping everywhere and talking to random people in my class.

Then there’s my “friend,” a close one I must say. I haven’t talk to her in a while ’cause she is part of my class and I don’t feel like staying there but she wasn’t part of the reason why I don’t like it there.. I saw her talking seriously with her other friends(some of them are not her close friends), not including me. I tried asking her about it, I knew it was a problem but she seemed like she doesn’t want to tell me. Even after all that we’ve been through together, just maybe because I wasn’t staying in our class, does it mean that I don’t care for her anymore? I am still her friend and I still think I am until now. I was the one she would first run off to and the one she would with the most. I was and still am always here for her. Was those times just gone?  It was like going back to square one. So is this the consequence of my what-seemed-like-rebellious act of mine? I don’t like my class and I could almost generalize it. Almost, because I believe that even maybe at least one of them is not the same as most of them, I think of her as one of those few. She doesn’t trust me, huh? Overreacting am I.  This is very funny. I don’t know what to say. So, I just have to act like I am with people that I don’t know and it is my first time here in my class?

Anyway, I don’t know. What should someone like me who has to stay somewhere where she doesn’t want to and the people there don’t even care about me? I doubt that they would even notice me when I’m not there. But I still have to stay there no matter what because at the end of the day, I’m still part of that class.

I’m just that stupid and really fly one.

Running away.

It has been a long time since I’ve posted something here. Things were improving I think but it’s just that I am falling down. Now I’m just like those leaves swiftly drifting in the open space.

You could say literally I am falling down. I haven’t slept for weeks now. Haha.

I am just here watching anime and stuff. Trying to make myself happy once in a while. Not even caring about those everyday conflicts that never end. I’m running away indeed but sometimes you just have to. I mean, it wrong to avoid problems but we could run away from it. Running away for me is going back and finding yourself that you once lost. Even if we do run away, the problem will still be there but it could help ypu cool down and find what you need to do. Once you have run away, you will realize you are indeed running and you will know that shouldn’t do it. It doesn’t solve but it will surely help. Running away is looking back and finding your lost self.

I don’t what I am saying. Maybe I am making excuses but…

I’m just that stupid and really fly one.

She has great friends. Indeed.

Yesterday, my parents were to fetch me but they were very late. I had no classmates left so I hanged out with my former classmate who is now in the section beside mine.

We did all sorts of things. We were waiting for his practice to start but it seems that it was cancelled so we decided to stay in the bench near the field where another former classmate of mine was sitting. While we were going to her, three ladies came to us and asked us to take a picture. I found it odd and funny but anyway we agreed. They sure were having fun.

Then, we sat her near to my former classmate. She with her other classmates plan to go to KFC. Since I will just be alone at school, I went with them. We waited and ate there until one by one, they left. We were five. 4 of them were my former classmates and one is their present classmate.

The one I was with left first then another one. I was left with two people I am not close with. It felt awkward but I think it would be more awkward to leave so I stayed and they let me too. We played cards until my brother came to fetch me.

What really made me happy is that when one of them said, “Let’s leave around 6:15p.m.” The other one said, “Let’s wait for her to get home.” It made me happy to think that someone I ain’t close with will stay just to make sure I ain’t alone. I find that very kind and rare to find. I just know the other person by her friend and the fact that she is the best friend of my closest friend. I could see how lucky and grateful my close friend is to have such great best friends.

I was just touched by what they did. We are not classmates and I barely knew them but they did such a kind and sweet thing to me.

I’m just that stupid and really fly one.

Broken promise.

What if someone promised you that he would return and that assurance from him gave you the strength and patience to continue living in a messed up place and then one day, he told that he would never come back?

I know coming back would hurt her but I am hurt here too. Alone with only his promise that kept me going. One day, we’ll be together but it was never going to happen. I have been chasing him and waiting for him but it was just… Stupid it is to believe. I already knew it from the start even if he kept on telling me he would return. If only I could go to him, I would but I just can’t. I could maybe but I know it would ’cause something bad to happen and I don’t know if I could take that. I knew it was stupid to chase him but I did and I looked stupid and alone.

I’m just that stupid and really fly one.

Anonymous.

In a certain website called Ask.fm. You get to receive questions or answers from anonymous or named people. I received something today but it wasn’t a question. It was a message from someone who did not named himself/herself.

It says, “Do you know that uhm. I will reveal something to you. Don’t be surprised.” This really made me curious. I don’t if it is a prank or a serious one. Still wishing it was a prank but still has hope that it might be something. Negative or not. Funny or not. True or not. I just want to know what she/he is going to say. Maybe it just funny to be thinking about it but really, there is still a chance it might be something worth hearing.

I’m just that stupid and really fly one.

Days pass by.

As more and more time pass, more things happen. No, wait. Nothing is actually happening. Everything is still the same I think except for the fact that my place is slowly fading to ashes.
I have tried stopping that fire from burning yet, it sparked into greater and brighter flames. All I did was watch it with my eyes that showed nothing but the reflection of that fire. Blank. I wait as it burns for something I know will never come.

I’m just that stupid and really fly one.